I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
