my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
