The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
