Who wears a wallet chain?!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
