dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
