My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Randomize
