you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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