so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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