a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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