so explain again why im purple
no
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
