I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
