I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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