Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
