...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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