it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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