I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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