You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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