I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
