Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
