last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
