I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
