I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
