I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
