rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
