ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
