I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
