I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
how drunk are you?
Several
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
