i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
