she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
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The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
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Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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