My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
