On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
