Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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