i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
