Swine flu is the new snow day.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
