saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
