If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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