its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
