either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
