I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
All the doctor said was why
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
