I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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