and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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