I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She told me I should be a condom model.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH