I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
