It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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