I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
