wanna go halves on a baby?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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