I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
