I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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