my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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