Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
