No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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