I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
