Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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