I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
