I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I am available for nakedness
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