Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
