so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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