You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
