Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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